What doesn't break you, make you stronger.

 Every one has lost some one that they wish they didn't have to let go. Maybe in letting that person truly go, and realizing that that person was there to teach you how to love another, you will find the right one, the one that will love everything about you down to even your flaws. The one who you never thought would like you. I stood today in the raining thinking about everything I went through to end up right where I am right now. I wondered if I could take it back. Where I would rewind time to have a different end. I realized if I had to  do it all over again. I wouldn't change one thing. I would go through the broke hearts, the lesson that I wish some one just told me, so I didn't do it. Then I realized it made me, it broke me and I still stood. It takes a strong person to realize that every hard thing, every good thing makes you, you. It doesn't break you. It makes you grow to become the person you are suppose to be.

Who are you?

Why is it that the past always seems to find you? No matter how far you run, no matter what you do to forget it always hits you like a ton of rock falling from the sky, where did it come from no one will ever know. It drowns you in sorrow takes you back to the places that the pain is fresh. Almost like a scar that is reopened blood is everywhere and no matter how much pressure you put on it. It wont stop bleeding. I was at work today when I answered the phone the lady asked me "who I was?" Now I have been asked that a million times but this one time I was truly taken back. Maybe it's because I have grown to be stronger and wiser then I have ever been or maybe it's because I was broken down and now I am left to pick up the piece of my heart and life. That this question brought up such painful memories. Do any of us really know who we are? and if you say yes to that question what happens when life throws a curve ball at you and you strike out does that change who you are? As for now I can say I am a strong patient person willing to go beyond for others. Who are you?  

To risk or not to risk?

Some people will do everything they can not to feel. People will go to extremes of hurting others just not to feel a thing. They will push people away at any cost. Hurting them selfs even more. They regret not taking the chance but they also know that they didn't have to live with the failure if it didn't work out to there standards. Its takes a strong human to stand by that person but someone has to do it. Maybe its because the feeling of pain is something they just can't go through again. They use excuse of why they can't do things or avoid altogether. but excuses are reasons stuffed with lies.  Then there are people like myself who risk everything. If you don't risk, nothing will ever happen to you thats worth remembering. I put my life, heart, and soul out on the line. Sometimes it work sometimes it doesn't. I couldn't image sitting on the side lines watching everyone else play the game of life. I would rather try something a million times to finally get it right then just give up all together. I wouldn't be sitting right where I am now, if it wasn't for the risk. 

Donjon and Dragons OH my

So wall in foodland this semi good looking guy walks up to me. He asks me for my phone number and I agree to give it to him. should have know better. We start texting the next day. Guy seems great super friendly we have a lot in common and I agree to meet couple days later with him. We started small agreed a walk on the beach would be great. Everything was going so well we were about 25 minutes into our walk when he told he his parents hated white people. I am white white. kind of made things a little weird. I needed to change the topic fast. As I started walking back to my car. When I asked what he liked to do for fun. Now I am not one to judge, every one is allowed to be into his or her own fun. as he listened off : working out, swimming, reading, hiking, DD and magic. I stop dead in my track and replied magic like the card card? he said "yes". Now to me a 30 year old is a bit to old to be playing magic but to each there own. I started walking again and asked "what is D.D?" and he goes well it's kind of embarrassing. Now I am gonna stop right here. If you think your hobbies are embarrassing you really shouldn't say them to a girl you are on a first date with. Its something you say after a month or two. I replied how embarrassing could it be, little did I know. He replied Donjon and Dragons. In other words ladies I was on a walk with a 30 year guy who not only played magic a game I believe is for 10 year olds but a guy who really enjoyed playing Donjon and Dragons I didn't even think anyone played that game. and his parents hated white people. I started walking a little faster to get to my car at that point. Is there a sign on me that says if you are weird please hit on me?

Acceptance

There are moments in your childhood that stand out that make or break you. They turn you into the person you hope to be or break you down mentally and emotionally. As you try and try to stand again you are always looking for acceptance. You are always trying to find the thing you lacked in your childhood.  The question is why? why are we always trying to prove to our parents/person that we are good enough, that they should be proud or why are we always trying to find the mate that will make you feel important or special? When will we realize that we are good enough special enough just the way we are. Why does the human race always try to go out of our way to get others approval? At the age of eight my father wrote and stuck a letter of 12 things he didn't like about me on the fridge in our home. I spent the last 17 years of my life trying to prove that I could be the daughter he wanted. At the age of 25 after I moved to Kauai and lived by myself, lost the boyfriend of seven years, worked 50 hours a week. and lost 60lbs my father finally said he was proud of me. Which I felt like I was on top of the world for about five minutes. Then I realized that he might be proud of me but was I proud of myself? 

Spider sense

I was asked to go out on a boat into the deep blue sea. I was excited and couldn't wait to be out on the water fishing. There is nothing in the world I love doing more then be out in the big ocean. plus the guy who asked was super cute. I showed up at his house the next morning only to discover that his boat was the size of the boat that Jaw's sunk. You know the one with the old man trying to help the kids, the little dingy, anyways I was kind of shocked to see it since he was telling me what an awesome boat it was. To me it looked like it would sink. I am not trying to be stuck up by all mean must people who know me understand that I am not that type of lady. As I walked around the boat to get a better look I discover that the little dingy had no radio. Thus if you were gonna sink no one would ever know you were missing. At that moment red flags started going off in my head. As I turned around another guy showed up. He hopped out of his car and said you ready to go fishing? Now being the person I am, I started doing the math three people in this little dingy no radio not to mention that I was going out in the ocean with two guys I really didn't know. My spider sense was in over drive. All I could think about was getting rapped thrown overboard and becoming bruce from "Finding Nemo" lunch. Now being the women my mama raised me to be smiled and said I forgot something in my car. As walked over to my car I reached in my pocket and grabbed my cell phone I pretended to be answering a text message well I was really setting up my fake phone call to get me out of this nightmare. I grabbed something random in my car started walking back over when my fake phone call rang I answered it and pretend there was a problem at work. I kindly said "I will have to go some other time, when work calls i gotta go."

Baggage!

Does he or doesn't he not like me? A question everyone has felt. Everyone is scared of the answer, because when you find out he doesn't like you, you go through your check list the "what did I do wrong!" check list. Was it something I said? Was it something I did? Is it because I am to fat? and Maybe he only likes blondes not brunettes? You plague your brain with so many questions that you will never find the answer to. Which in return make you so much more frustrated and then it turns into being insecure. Whatever happen to it being so simple passing the note in school with the letter "Do you like me?" check "yes" or "no?" Guy says no you move on. It didn't hurt so much. I feel like todays modern world we all carry around baggage. Of what someone else did to the person you like and you pay for it. You date the guy that his love of life cheated on him. You pay for the crimes she committed. Even though you were never the cheater.  Does anyone ever remember being little and trusting everyone until they were proven untrustworthy? Does anyone wish they could just erase the bad and only have the good memories of the people that crossed your path? How can we just let go of the baggage so we all don't pass it along to the next person we date and screw up there life even worse to the point where they are carrying more baggage. theirs and now yours. Soon we will all be walking around with carts full of luggage. Clean up on isle six there's baggage every where.